Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me