Uh oh…
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you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no