uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I feel it
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings