Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?