Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
2022 be like
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
when a toddler tells a story
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.