Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

When the stylist spins you back around

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

It’s the weekend y’all

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby