Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Traveler’s camo
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.