Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.