Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
How about daylight saves us for once
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.