Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.