Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
in the ocean
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”