Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”