Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
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‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
stand with me against insufficient seating
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
You know…for fall…
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER