Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv