“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
barbara was highly relatable
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED