Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

3% human
97% stress

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?