uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Dead sexy!!
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom