Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Pot warmers of the day.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.