Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation