Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?