Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

2022: I can fix it

Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Go gym

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers