Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.