Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

anyone else like Italian cereal