Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Tell the colonel to bring it

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.