Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”