Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Seas the day!!!!

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?