UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.