Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Did…did a minotaur write this

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.