Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.