Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?