Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

This story is comedy gold 😂