UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
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He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me trying to walk in a dream
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.