Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
You Might Also Like
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I can’t be the only one 😂
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
💻🤡
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
pizza
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience