Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
I get distracted pretty eas
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.