Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.