[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
the way this pissed me off… 😭
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Botany good plants lately?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party