Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*