Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

This might be the funniest tweet ever

True

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”