Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Bring back the McRib
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The government even made aliens boring
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Friends that check up on you >
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”