Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
me before I type out affect or effect
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.