Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

ㅤ

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!