Um … Hot Wings please
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?