Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
You Might Also Like
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Toxic snake
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Meat Cute
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
