“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
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I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.