“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
no their not
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist