“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
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Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
is this store having a stroke wtf
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.