“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
😂🤣😂🤣
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer