Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
