Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,