Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
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It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I would move hell over six inches for you
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
*exercises sarcastically*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
my favorite genre of twitter
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question