Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.