Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke