Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
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Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
blocked.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less