Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

The Weeknd is back

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

I falcon love using swear birds

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.