Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
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if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Owl Sanctuary
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
courtroom exchange of the day
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.