‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
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The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.