‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
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One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
For anyone who needs this today
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..