Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”