Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

Cndnsd Mlk

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication