Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
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Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises