Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
be careful
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing