Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
you gotta be faster
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Livid.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon