Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

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LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.


Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.


Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.


For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.


Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*


My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”


Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.


My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉


[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.


“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”