your elf on the shelf was delicious
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.