LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*
My Dog: *blasts off from earth*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”