If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont
87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[Showing my friend my poem]
Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables
Me: Haiku is two syllables
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!