@enigmaterics

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

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@Parkerlawyer

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

@MaxHooverDotBiz

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

@LittleMissAngr1

[Showing my friend my poem]

Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables

Me: Haiku is two syllables

@Tmoney68

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

@lincnotfound

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

@aysashaya

Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.

@SarcasticSadOne

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!