Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
this came to me in a vision
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’