Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.


Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.


[Showing my friend my poem]

Friend: Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables

Me: Haiku is two syllables


I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.


gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef


Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.


Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?