Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

!!!!!!!!!!!

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.