Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Things will get butter, keep churning

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.