Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.